People pleasing is a common behavior that many of us struggle with, often without even realizing it. This tendency to prioritize others’ needs and feelings over our own can be deeply ingrained, stemming from childhood trauma, emotional neglect and societal pressures. In this blog post, we’ll explore the intricacies of people pleasing, its origins, and most importantly, how to overcome it and embrace your authentic self.
Table of Contents
- Introduction
- What is People Pleasing?
- How is People Pleasing created?
- Suppressed Emotions & People Pleasing
- Personal Example
- The Hidden Agenda of People Pleasing
- How to overcome People Pleasing
- Recap
- Need help?
This blog is generated by AI based on Myrthe Glasbergen’s video about this topic. You can watch her video below. Prefer to read on? Just scroll down below the video.
What is People Pleasing?
People pleasing is more than just being kind or considerate. It’s a relationship mechanism and protection strategy that individuals develop to keep themselves safe in social situations. People pleasers often go to great lengths to ensure others feel good, conforming to expectations and adapting to others’ emotional states. Common behaviors of people pleasers include:
- Always saying “yes” and rarely saying “no”
- Avoiding expressing personal opinions
- Constantly seeking approval and validation
- Adapting their behavior to match others’ moods
- Suppressing their own needs and desires
- Trying to ‘rescue’ other people, ‘help’, ‘over-give’
- Over-explain, always telling people why you do what you do
At its core, people pleasing is a survival mechanism developed in childhood. It’s a way to maintain connection and avoid rejection, which can feel like a threat to survival for a young child. How is People Pleasing created?
People pleasing typically develops in childhood as a response to feeling unsafe or unseen. This can occur in various environments, including:
- Emotionally immature or unavailable parents
- Abusive or addicted family members
- Strict religious upbringings
- Experiences of bullying at school
- Traumatic events
In these situations, children learn that their authentic selves are not good enough, valued, or safe to express. They internalize stories of unworthiness and develop intense emotions like shame, grief, anger, and sadness.
Unable to process these heavy emotions on their own, children often suppress them and create protection mechanisms to avoid feeling them again. People pleasing becomes one such mechanism, ensuring connection and safety by conforming to others’ expectations. Myrthe Glasbergen, Msc. (psychologist and founder of Beyond Psychology) also writes more extensively about this in her free e-book Unshame Yourself (see below).
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Suppressed Emotions & People Pleasing
Behind the facade of people pleasing lies a complex web of suppressed emotions. These can include:
- Shame
- Feelings of unworthiness
- Insecurity
- Inadequacy
- Fear of rejection or abandonment
People pleasers often experience internal conflict when their authentic needs or desires arise. They’ve learned it’s unsafe to express these feelings, so they suppress them, focusing instead on meeting others’ needs and expectations.
This suppression requires enormous energy and can lead to a disconnection from one’s true self. People pleasers may struggle to identify their own opinions, needs, or emotional states, having become so attuned to others.
Personal Example
As a recovering people pleaser, I’ve experienced firsthand the challenges of breaking this pattern. When I began expressing my individuality and needs, I noticed intense physical reactions – sweating, trembling, tension. These bodily responses were alarm signals, indicating how unsafe it felt to deviate from my people-pleasing behavior.
This experience highlights how deeply ingrained people pleasing can become. It’s not just a mental habit, but a physical response rooted in past experiences of feeling unsafe when expressing our authentic selves.
The Hidden Agenda of People Pleasing
While people pleasing may appear altruistic on the surface, it often serves a hidden agenda. As children, people pleasers learned to use this behavior to covertly meet their needs when direct expression felt unsafe or impossible.
This pattern often continues into adulthood. People pleasers may give excessively in relationships, hoping to receive love, validation, or attention in return. However, because they never directly communicate their needs, they often end up feeling resentful and unfulfilled.
Signs of this hidden agenda include:
- Feeling resentful in relationships
- Believing you give more than you receive
- Difficulty expressing your own needs and wants
- Hoping others will intuitively understand and meet your needs
Recognizing this hidden agenda is a crucial step in overcoming people pleasing and developing healthier relationship patterns.
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How to overcome People Pleasing
Overcoming people pleasing is a gradual process that requires patience and self-compassion. Here are some steps to help you on this journey:
- Increase self-awareness: Start by recognizing when and why you engage in people-pleasing behaviors. What triggers these responses?
- Sit with discomfort: Practice tolerating the uncomfortable feelings that arise when you don’t immediately please others. This might include anxiety, guilt, or fear of rejection.
- Practice self-soothing: Develop techniques to comfort yourself when you feel unsafe. This could involve positive self-talk, deep breathing, or comforting yourself through physical touch.
- Start small: Begin expressing your opinions, needs or preferences in low-stakes situations. Gradually work up to more challenging scenarios.
- Communicate openly: Practice expressing your needs and boundaries clearly and directly. Remember, honest communication often leads to deeper, more authentic connections.
- Seek support: Consider therapy or (online) support networks to help you work through underlying issues and develop healthier relationship patterns.
- Practice self-compassion: Be patient with yourself. Changing long-standing patterns takes time and effort.
Remember, the goal isn’t to stop caring about others, but to find a healthy balance between meeting your own needs and being considerate of others.
Recap
People pleasing is a complex behavior rooted in childhood experiences of feeling unsafe or unseen. While it may have served as a protective mechanism in the past, it often leads to suppressed emotions, unfulfilling relationships, and a disconnection from one’s authentic self in adulthood.
Overcoming people pleasing involves recognizing its origins, understanding its hidden agenda, and gradually learning to tolerate the discomfort of expressing your true self. It’s a journey of self-discovery, healing, and transformation that leads to more authentic and fulfilling relationships – both with yourself and others.
Remember, you are worthy of having your needs met and expressing your true self. By working through your people-pleasing tendencies, you’re not only improving your own life but also contributing to a world where authenticity and genuine connections are valued. Your journey towards authenticity is a powerful step in healing yourself and, by extension, helping to heal the world.
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