When I talk about systems I mean patriarchy and capitalism, yes, but also: social frameworks, gender conditioning, scripts that tell us how to behave as a woman, or a man, or a child, etc. Scripts that we learned to follow, or feel deeply ashamed about it if we didn’t follow them.

So, breaking free will trigger shame, fear, but also something deeper. Because there is one more reason why we hold on to systems that don’t serve us and keep us small. And that is that it distracts us from emotions we stuffed away very carefully when we were little. This could be emotions like loneliness, grief, and a deep longing to be held, seen, and soothed. But it could also be deep suppressed rage of all those years that we had to swallow our voice, hold back, and say yes when we felt no. It could feel like anxiety or fear first, but if you sit with that long enough, or push through that initial feeling of: Help, I am going to die, you will notice that there’s more underneath it.

I remember one time I was in Ibiza, Spain, and took my sup out on the open sea. I wanted to peddle all the way around the cliffs, so that I could see the house I was staying from a different angle for the first time. This house had sea view on both sides and from the rooftop terrace you could see these beautiful cliffs, and I always wondered how the house would look like from the open sea. Now, you have to realize I was alone for a month or so in this house, as my friend and the owner of that house – someone I was traveling with already for 2,5 years around the world, and someone I deeply relied on, and was attached to – was in his home country to celebrate the birthday of his wife and children. I was so attached to him, that I often just stopped with moving around and waited for him to be back, so we could move on again together. But, that day I decided, let me go on my own, just me and my sup, paddling around the cliffs, out in the open sea.

So, there I went, but once I got to the point where the real open sea started, and I was leaving the bay where I had swum so many times, I noticed a deep tiredness, a doubt, and a voice in my head: why are you here even? Why don’t you just go back home? I don’t even know if I really want this or feel like it. Why should I do this? What’s the purpose anyway? I saw the waves, and I thought, hmm, maybe another time. I have got some work to do, helping people heal, making videos, shit like that. So, I turned around. And started paddling back.

But then, a deeper voice rose inside of me: are you letting your fears hold you back right now?! Are you serious? This is fear, come on girl, you can do it, push through. And you know what, that voice was right. So, I turned around again, and this time started peddling. I peddled all the way around the cliffs, which was scary! I started crying, and calling on my female ancestors. Yes, it was a spiritual peddle trip! I said: ok if you want me to do this, to live, this, then, please, stay with me, and help me out here. I cried. But I also felt a power rising inside of me. I was doing it, and I felt a grief and an anger: who the fuck told me I couldn’t do things on my own? Where did that come from? Why did I believe that? Because, this is easy and I can just do this. I am a good swimmer, I am strong, and I love this, I love the thrill of the waves, and I love the sea, and being out on adventures.

I started swearing at all the men in my life, but even more so at all the men in this world (or just patriarchy and its cultural conditioning), who taught me to fear the world and doing things on my own, as if I was helpless, and powerless, while all the time that I believed I was, I just wasn’t. I felt so much anger, grief, excitement… all at the same time. And I peddled, and peddled, and made it around the cliffs, and could see the house from the open sea. Yay! And at the end, as if my ancestors wanted to give me a present, when I turned around to get back, all around me a school of flying fish rose out of the water. It was so, so, so, magical. 

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I realized how much I had kept myself small, frozen between not fitting completely in what society expected of me as a woman, but also not daring to break free from it completely, as it was fear, grief, and frozen anger that were holding me back. Plus, a very intelligent voice inside of me telling myself to stay small, go back home, stay grounded, stay connected, and don’t lose the people I believe I was dependent on. Because too much of independence I believed would also make the people around me fall away. Not realizing they were never truly there to begin with. And the deep loneliness that was frozen inside of me since childhood was making me cling onto people, making me stay too long, adapt too much, abandon myself too much for.

But once I made sure I could carry myself mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially, something slowly shifted. All these frozen feelings, power, aggression, my boundaries, loneliness, all of it came to visit me gradually, ready to feel, ready to show me I can carry all of them. That I can carry myself. That it is ok to make my own choices and move freely in this world, as a sovereign woman, not conditioned, forced, and oppressed into complying to systems she believes she is dependent on, slowly losing herself along the way.

This sup moment wasn’t the moment I liberated myself completely, but it was a turning point, it planted a seed. A deep knowing, a return to myself, the adventurer, a sovereign woman going against all odds in a world built to keep her small, contained, and at home.

If this story resonates with you, and you feel this deep inner desire to become a sovereign woman too, why not follow along? Just subscribe to our newsletter, or start here. 

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