I was already busy with personal growth, healing, transformation and spirituality for almost 6 years and yes, I was growing in confidence, self-love and trust and there had been some major changes in my life.
But still there were times that I felt stuck, unfree, unfulfilled, and the depressive feelings that I had felt inside of me kept coming back. I was so sick of it.
I didn’t know where to look anymore for answers to this. Why? What did I have to do in order for this ‘heaviness’ to not come back again and again? What was the meaning of it?
I also found myself stuck in a loop, over and over again, getting stuck at the same point: I started a project, felt all inspired and motivated, confident. But over time I lost hope, trust and found myself crying on my bed or on the floor, shouting that it wouldn’t work out so why’d I bother anyway?
And most of the times, soon after that, I would give up, or change jobs, places, projects or goals in general.
It was a loop, a cycle, a circle.
I had to do something to break out of it.
I had to pick myself up and start to dig deep to understand where these feelings and this self-sabotaging behavior came from.
I slowly started to understand that it had something to do with my past and what had happened there that I was still tied to but that I was unaware of.
My body and my inner child were still hurt and traumatized and because of that stuck to situations from my past.
I had to travel back there, to the core, the root of my problems and self-sabotaging behaviors, and I had to slowly start to heal my past, help my inner child and give her the things she needed most, so she was able to grow up with me.
By doing that I gained insight into what was holding me back, blocking me and dragging me into this apathetic state of being every time things got tough or when I needed to persevere something that I had started.
It wasn’t that it was all eureka and that it was gone in an instant. But I now gained the insight and had the tools to get up again and persevere, hold on, give myself and my inner child what we needed most and move on with our lives, our projects, our jobs, or our goals. My goals.
I really believe that at the root of every problem or struggle that we experience in our daily lives, lies something from our past and parts of us are still tied to those negative experiences from our past.
And in the past, to survive those negative experiences, we created coping or survival mechanisms to deal with all of it. These mechanisms are still with us up until today, while they aren’t serving us anymore, at all.
We need to revisit those experiences from the past, to become aware of them, shine light on them and understand our coping mechanisms, so that we can free ourselves from the experiences AND the mechanisms.
My mechanism is running away. Stopping. Quitting. Because staying feels so heavy, so hard and as if it wouldn’t make any sense anyway.
But I knew that to grow, I had to stay. To persevere. And of course, I wasn’t obligated to stay. I have free will and I always have the choice to leave.
But I wanted to grow. I wanted to become an independent woman running her own business. Sharing her wisdom, using her talents, helping people, build a community and being able to move freely while doing that.
I also knew that no one in my family lineage had done this before.
And you know… when you are dreaming of walking a path that no one has ever done before, you can’t start walking that path without resistance, without growth pains and things you have to break through. You are breaking a whole family cycle / system, not just your individual cycle.
When you want to transform yourself and your life, start to play on new levels, take ‘quantum leaps’, you will encounter resistance, fears and behaviors that are trying to hold you back or block you from growing.
You have to understand then what your self-sabotaging behaviors are and travel to your past to understand the root of these behaviors, heal your inner child and give yourself and this inner child what you need in order to grow.
Then you will find the courage and the strength to persevere and reach your goals.
It’s not an easy path. It’s not for the faint-hearted. But it’s all worth it.
When you feel ready to for once and for all to break free from the cycle you are in I am here for you.
Digital artwork by Jr Korpa
