In this blog I will explain what it means to decenter men, how you can use this concept for your benefit, and how it can benefit women and men to break free from oppressive societal and cultural conditioning and systems, and create new and better systems for all.

This isn’t a man-hating blog—at all. My goal here is to help you see the kind of system(s) we’re living in and understand the conditionings we’ve been subjected to. These conditionings, whether we realize it or not, are incredibly oppressive and emotionally immature. From a very young age, they ask us to suppress who we truly are and conform to certain gender roles that don’t serve us. These roles don’t help us reach our full potential or create the change we need in this world.

Stepping away from traditional gender roles

When I say “decenter men,” I’m not suggesting we ignore or vilify men. It’s not about putting anyone down. Instead, it’s about stepping away from societal structures that center men at the expense of both women and men. It’s about recognizing that the traditional gender roles we’re all conditioned to follow keep us stuck. When we decenter men, it allows everyone to grow. Women can step into their full power, and men can break free from the narrow, limiting expectations placed on them.

in this blog I will also address the shadow side of both the masculine and feminine energy. Feminine energy is often celebrated for being nurturing, intuitive, and compassionate, but like anything, it has its shadow. When it’s out of balance, it can manifest as manipulation, passivity, or even victimhood. Understanding this shadow is crucial because decentering men isn’t just about rebalancing masculine energy—it’s about balancing both energies. We need to be aware of where feminine energy might be off balance, too, if we want to create a healthier, more empowered dynamic.

So, this isn’t about blaming one side or perpetuating conflict between men and women. It’s about understanding the larger system we’re all a part of. By decentering men and stepping outside these limiting gender roles, we can all thrive and create a more authentic, emotionally mature world.

You can watch my video this topic below. Prefer to read on? Just scroll down below the video! 

Seeing Gender Norms in Action

From a very young age, I realized I didn’t quite fit into the gender roles and societal expectations that were prevalent around me. This didn’t mean I wanted to be a man or that I didn’t identify as a woman. On the contrary, I have always felt deeply connected to my identity as a woman and am proud of it. I cherish being a woman and have a profound respect and admiration for both women and men.

However, I found the societal conditioning regarding gender roles to be confining and narrow-minded. Growing up, I felt that these roles often seemed disrespectful and limited. I remember wearing a red t-shirt as a child that bore a slogan about traditional gender expectations—something that, at the time, felt absurdly restrictive to me.

Even as a young child, I saw these gender norms as a kind of joke. I wore that t-shirt with a sense of irony because the idea that a man should adhere to certain roles while a woman should adhere to others felt so limiting. I didn’t feel comfortable in the roles defined for either gender, and neither did I find solace in the societal conditioning that accompanied them.

As I grew older, my discomfort with these rigid gender expectations only deepened. Ultimately, I found that these gender roles made me feel boxed in, and I couldn’t relate to them. I knew that I needed to embrace who I am without being constrained by outdated stereotypes and expectations.

Furthermore, as I grew older, I noticed something more profound: many women around me were struggling with the expectations and norms set by our society, but they were unaware of the true cause of their suffering. They tried so hard to live up to all kinds of expectations, but ultimately couldn’t. This made them believe that there must be something wrong with them individually.

As a result they all suffer(ed) in silence, because of the shame around not being able to live up to expectations in a world dominated by male-centric values. It made and makes life incredibly hard for women. 

Giving our power away

From a young age, we are conditioned to center men, viewing them as the focal point of the universe. We are taught to follow their leadership, their perspectives on humanity, their version of history, their religions, their rules, their norms, and their creations, which are all designed by men for men. 

We could say that objectively it’s neither good nor bad to center either of the genders. Still, we live in a patriarchal world where many men in power have misused their authority. Because of cultural, religious conditioning they even feel entitled to do so and benefit from this every day. This has led to a reality shaped by strict gender norms, conventional hierarchical family structures, capitalism, colonialism, racism, individualism and oppression. 

In this sense, we are all affected by this male-centered worldview. 

The sexualization of young girls in patriarchy

Growing up in patriarchy, and the men-centered world we’re living in, young girls are being sexualized from a young age. It’s heartbreaking to think about how early this happens. 

Next to this, girls are being conditioned to see themselves as (un)desirable objects here to serve and cater to the needs of men. We are taught that making sure every man likes us in some way is the ultimate goal. This becomes the focal point of the feminine experience, with a heavy emphasis placed on our appearance, body, and how we present ourselves to fit into ever-changing beauty standards.

There’s always a new beauty standard, but the core message remains the same: conform to it, make sure you get as close as possible to this ideal because then, supposedly, you are safe or accepted. This narrative creates a narrow path where we feel our worth and safety are tied to our ability to meet these standards.

It’s a tiring and disheartening cycle, one that often steals our sense of self-worth and individuality from a young age.

Collective Conditioning and the Power Dynamics at Play 

This idea of centering men and adhering to their needs likely originates from a history that isn’t as distant as we might like to believe. Not too long ago, women were not allowed to have their own bank accounts, vote, or own homes or cars. Women were essentially seen as the property of men, and it was men who made the decisions and held ownership of all material wealth.

In a society where this is still present, it’s easy to understand why, as women, it seems essential to make sure we’re “suitable to wed”. This survival mechanism is embedded in us, a lingering conditioning from a time when our safety depended on conforming to these societal norms. We carry this collective trauma with us, continuing to be conditioned to conform to certain (beauty) standards as a way to ensure our survival and get our needs met.

From a young age, we’re taught that manipulation and covertly getting our needs met is safer than directly asking for what we want. We learn to center men, serve them, and conform to beauty standards to be respected, seen, or loved. It’s as though we’re conditioned to believe that if we just keep on conforming, one day, a prince will come to save us. This conditioning teaches powerlessness, a lesson that young girls absorb early on: the idea that we cannot live and survive on our own, that we need a man to save us.

This isn’t just an individual issue; it’s a societal one. We all learn that male leaders, whether they’re our presidents, bosses, or managers, or the ones in power, that they are the ones who will come to save us, making us dependent on them for our survival. This creates a codependent relationship with those in power, reinforcing an unhealthy stressful dynamic that our society continues to perpetuate.

There’s a lot of collective trauma tied to these power dynamics. However, that’s a topic for another discussion. For now, the focus is on understanding how this conditioning plays into the ways we center men and the impact it has on our sense of self and power.

What Decentering Men Really Means

Decentering men isn’t about completely removing men from our lives or building a wall between genders. It doesn’t mean that you decide never to interact with men again or to harbor resentment towards them. In fact, it’s entirely possible to have a beautiful and fulfilling relationship with a man and maintaining connections with men in general. This process is about recognizing the ways in which society conditions women to give away their power, sexuality, and emotional labor to men.

It’s about understanding how we’re taught to serve men’s needs and suppress our own, to avoid raising our voices or setting boundaries. Decentering men is reclaiming your power, your center, and the responsibility for your life. It’s about breaking free from the idea that you cannot survive on your own or that you need to give your power away to be loved, respected, or safe.

This concept involves letting go of the belief that you need to be submissive to get what you want. It’s about moving away from external validation, not playing games, and not using manipulative energy to get what you want. It means being honest, truthful, and respectful towards yourself and others.

Overcoming the fear of abandonment & rejection

Decentering men also entails finding your inner wisdom, truth, and knowledge. It involves listening to your intuition and daring to express it, without the fear of rejection, abandonment, or anger from others. It’s about becoming a free human being, a woman who listens to her intuitive wisdom and doesn’t give her power away anymore.

It’s about shifting away from attachment to men’s wisdom and power, and instead, entering into equal partnerships. This shift involves healing wounds from childhood, the father wound, the mother wound, and the attachment and relational trauma within you. It means not subconsciously asking men or other authority figures to fulfill needs that went unmet in childhood.

Decentering men means not letting men be responsible for your worthiness, confidence, or courage. It’s about taking radical responsibility for loving and respecting yourself. It means not trying to seek validation through flirtation or any other means when you don’t truly want something with a man.

Finding female role models

Decentering men involves respecting yourself as a woman and respecting other women. It’s about looking at other women and seeing them, and thus seeing yourself, as complete, beautiful, and worthy human beings capable of achieving anything they set their minds to.

This concept extends to listening to women, finding female role models, and setting yourself free from the patriarchal system that we live in. It’s about choosing not to be dependent on a system that was never built for you as a woman to thrive in. Instead, it’s about creating your own path, your own system, wealth, and abundance.

Decentering men also means letting go of beauty standards that hurt you deep down inside. It’s about choosing what you want to wear, what you like, and what you think is beautiful. It’s about becoming your own sovereign, autonomous woman.

The Importance of Healing Patriarchal Trauma

As women, we carry a significant amount of trauma, especially when it comes to speaking up and forging our own paths. For a very long time, even the idea of making autonomous choices was out of reach for many women. This power dynamic led to a lot of abuse—both men and women suffered under a system that allowed men to dominate. That’s why I often say we’re all victims of the patriarchy. This hierarchical, oppressive system has impacted everyone, but it has particularly stifled women, making it life-threatening at times to speak up or assert independence.

This legacy of trauma has created conditioning around speaking up, carving our own paths, and taking up space. We see these systems externally, and it’s important to fight against them in the world. Yet, the most profound change occurs when we dive deep within ourselves and understand that these systems also live inside us.

The only way onwards, is inwards

So, decentering men also means letting go of the patriarchy and its conditionings inside of yourself. It’s about not using your sexual energy or covert manipulation mechanisms to get what you want.

This was the hardest part for me as it required tending to the wounds that were living inside of me, like my mother wound. I had to recognize how these wounds influenced my actions and how I sought external validation through the existing patriarchal system. 

The journey involved understanding how these wounds were leaking out into the world and how I was still trying to fill the gap inside myself with external validation.

By focusing on these wounds, I realized I was using mechanisms that weren’t true to who I was, constantly abandoning my inner voice in favor of the approval and validation of others. By centering men in my life I tried to put a bandage on the mother wound I had. This realization was a crucial step towards healing and reclaiming my authentic self. 

Recognizing Men as Victims of Patriarchy

It’s crucial to acknowledge that men are also victims of the patriarchal system. Society’s emphasis on centering men has not only marginalized others but has also placed men in a rigid mold of gender norms and expectations.

From an early age, men are conditioned to adopt certain behaviors and suppress their emotions, being told to “toughen up” and to avoid vulnerability. This creates a limited and damaging version of masculinity, one that strips men of the richness of their emotional experiences.

This societal pressure forces men into a flat existence, where they are often reduced to being driven by lust and using the world around them to fulfill their desires. Such an expectation is not only limiting but also deeply disrespectful to the complexity and potential of men. Men possess intuitive wisdom, creative energy, and the capacity for deep emotional connection, qualities that are often overlooked in the current system.

If we continue to pit one gender against the other, blaming the opposite sex for societal gaps left by patriarchy, we miss an opportunity for beautiful co-creation. The path forward involves recognizing the harm caused by these gender norms and allowing space for men to decenter from this patriarchal structure too. This decentering can help men reclaim their own sense of responsibility, not as dominant figures in a hierarchy but as individuals with their own rich, intuitive wisdom and inner truth.

This journey toward decentering is about healing personal wounds and understanding one’s authentic self. For men, this means exploring the shadow side of masculinity and identifying where they may still cling to patriarchal structures that, while harmful, may also feel beneficial. It requires courage to carve out a new path, to face rejection and abandonment, and to shed the need for external validation, especially from women.

Decentering men involves letting go of ego, competition, and the constant desire for more. It’s about moving beyond entitlement and the drive to own everything. This journey is unique to men, just as the journey to decenter from patriarchy is unique to women. By embracing this challenge, men can find a more centered, grounded, and authentic way of being, ultimately enriching their lives and the lives of those around them.

Decentering Patriarchy and Reclaiming Power

Often we project our unresolved issues and relational trauma with our parents onto partners, leaders, politicians, and even our children. This creates a cycle of suffering and codependency that we need to break. We must dare to say, “No, not anymore. I will step out of this cycle”. 

Transforming this relational trauma requires understanding where we contribute to it. As women, it asks us to step fully into our power and overcome our fear of speaking up, standing in our power, setting boundaries, and speaking our truth. We need to move beyond the fear of rejection, abandonment, or aggression that might come from stepping into our power.

This journey to decenter men and reclaim our power is about taking back the center. It’s about saying, “From today on, I’m going to listen to myself. I’m going to commit to expressing what is true to me and live up to that truth.” It involves discovering the shadowy ways we try to get our needs met or heal our wounds through others.

For men, it’s about acknowledging where they might be benefiting from this power dynamic. They need to recognize how they’ve been taught that women are less than they are or that they know better. It’s time to meet women as equals, discover how powerful women are, and take full responsibility for their own wounds without using women as a means to heal.

It’s about respecting women and seeing them as whole human beings, not objectifying them or placing them on a pedestal.

It’s crucial for both genders to move away from needing external validation, especially from men.

This is a journey toward self-awareness and power reclamation, where both women and men can break free from destructive cycles and create a more balanced, respectful dynamic.

Taking Radical Responsibility

In my journey of decentering men, I’ve learned to take radical responsibility for my own life and wounds. It’s about reclaiming that power and not being dependent on external validation or seeking a seat at the table of men. We have a role in reshaping these dynamics, especially as women, by letting go of beauty standards and manipulation tactics that have historically been used to gain favor or validation.

I first closed off my sexual energy for a while, choosing not to use it for validation from men. It was a significant part of my journey to understand how to use it more consciously and authentically. I stopped dressing to appeal to the male gaze and instead began choosing colors and clothes that my inner child loved. This experiment extended to growing my body hair and discovering beauty in my natural state.

By doing this, I found a deeper sense of freedom and empowerment. I felt richer, my relationships became more balanced, and I truly began to understand what it means to decenter men. It’s not just about men; it’s about taking ownership and radical responsibility for our lives, healing our wounds, and not projecting them onto the world.

True freedom lies within

Decentering men is also about moving away from the hope that someone else—a prince, leader, or manager—will save us or make everything better. It’s about freeing ourselves from codependency and moving into an interdependent relationship with the world. This process grounds and centers us, giving us confidence, courage, and self-love.

True freedom lies within breaking free from all the systems, cycles, trauma, and shame stories we’ve been conditioned to believe. It’s about playing ourselves free, embracing who we are, and manifesting our visions and dreams.

Need Help?

Away from traditional (talk) therapy, coaching and the (spiritual) self-help industry we have created new tools for self-discovery, healing, transformation and growth. Our tools follow a holistic approach where we combine somatic and emotional healing practices with psychological theory & guidance.

If you resonated with the insights shared in this blog post and are seeking guidance on your healing journey, here are 3 ways we can help you:

1. Shop In Our Webshop

In our webshop you can find all our tools sorted by theme, visit our shop here.

2. Become A Member

Become a member of our online platform & community for Self-discovery, Healing, Transformation & Empowerment: Heart Journey.

Gain instant access to all our Meditations, Somatic Exercises, Parts Work Exercises, Videos, Visualizations and much more for just €11,99 per month or €99 per year!

Start your 5 day free trial here.

3. 1-on-1 Guidance

Feel in need of personal guidance? We offer 1-on-1 guidance that transcends classic talk therapy & coaching, speaks directly to the emotions and trauma stored and suppressed in the body, and gets to the root of mental, emotional & physical suffering. Just click here to book a free intake.

Related Blogs