Loneliness is often understood as a lack of connection with others. However, for many people, loneliness is not primarily a social problem but an internal one. It emerges when, from a very young age, you learned to disconnect from your own emotional life in order to survive. In an emotionally immature society where authentic self-expression is discouraged, emotional neglect becomes normalized. As a result, you may have grown up without the emotional support, attunement, and safety required to develop a stable sense of self. What often remains later in life is a persistent feeling of emptiness, restlessness, or loneliness that cannot be resolved through external connection alone.

Rather than being an absence, loneliness is frequently the presence of something unprocessed. It reflects emotional material that was never allowed to be felt, held, or integrated. To understand loneliness fully, it is therefore necessary to look beyond surface explanations and examine the impact of emotional neglect and relational trauma during your childhood.

This blog is based on the video of Myrthe Glasbergen, MSc. about this topic. You can watch the video below. Prefer to read on? Just scroll down below the video.   

Emotional Neglect and the Internalization of Unworthiness

When you were little and did not receive emotionally mature support, presence, and encouragement to express yourself authentically, you were left to make sense of that absence on your own. Because a child is entirely dependent on caregivers, the lack of emotional attunement is rarely interpreted as a failure of the environment. Instead, it is internalized as a failure of the self. Over time, you may have come to believe that you were not worthy of love, that something was wrong with you, or that your existence was somehow too much or not enough.

These beliefs do not remain abstract thoughts. They become embedded in your nervous system and emotional body. As you grow older, this internalized sense of unworthiness often manifests as a chronic feeling of lack or scarcity. Even when your external circumstances improve, the internal experience of loneliness may persist. This is often described as “the void,” not because something is missing, but because something essential was pushed out of awareness long ago.

The Void as Suppressed Grief, Anger, and Sadness

Loneliness is frequently mistaken for emptiness. In reality, what you experience as a void is more accurately understood as suppressed emotional content. When you were not supported in processing grief, sadness, anger, or fear as a child, those emotions did not disappear. Instead, they were suppressed, dissociated from, or split off in order to maintain psychological survival.

This internal split has long-term consequences. Suppressed grief and anger remain active beneath the surface, continuously influencing your emotional state. In adulthood, this may show up as restlessness, anxiety, depression, numbness, irritability, burnout, or a persistent sense of loneliness. You may feel disconnected not only from others, but from yourself. Importantly, this form of loneliness cannot be resolved through social interaction alone, because its roots lie in relational trauma stored internally.

External Attempts to Fill the Void

When the underlying cause of loneliness is not consciously recognized, you may attempt to resolve it through external means. Food, substances, sex, work, achievement, perfectionism, entertainment, and constant stimulation can all function as attempts to fill the void. While these strategies may offer temporary relief, they ultimately reinforce disconnection by further suppressing emotional material that seeks integration.

At the same time, emotional neglect often leads you to develop identities, roles, and masks designed to secure love, validation, or safety. These adaptations may have been necessary early in life, yet maintaining them over time becomes exhausting. You may find yourself increasingly disconnected from your authentic self, which deepens the experience of loneliness rather than resolving it.

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